Another fuck up in a long row.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Get it the fuck together. Then maybe you'll catch a break.

I can't go on like this for much longer.

whycan'tsomethingjustgorightplease?

I hate it.
cx

Ghostly...

I always suprise myself by my actions, be that in a positive or negative way. I am nosy and I am lazy on the whole but sometimes the spurts of action are enough.
And sometimes I stumble across things that I did not necessarily want to know. But I can't stop myself looking because I want to know more and understand the code.

I am so unsure about whats going on... Am I a hazy apparition to you, a see through little secret or am I real, am I here and desired?
cx

There is DEFINATELY trouble ahead...

My oh my, what a pickle. Seriously. I am in trouble and finding a solution that will work is going to be fucking hard. I need to starting telling cyber space about it again or I will implode. I'm not too good at talking to people about stuff - actually, I probably would be ok at it if I a) didn't pick the wrong people to attempt to talk too or b) wasn't too scared people would look down on me for the pickle I am in right now.
So you, the internet, shall be my outlet for now.

So I quit my job a while ago which was the right thing to do at the time but now I am settled in to unemployment and I fear my rut is deepening. I need money and I need it fast because I owe and I cannot pay. There are so many things that I wanted to do this summer but I did not plan it properly and it could all fall apart.

I need to make a plan and I must do it tomorrow. Please have your fingers crossed that I have the motivation (hah, I should definately have that because I am close to being royally fucked...) and the energy to make a dent in this fucked up mess.

Shit. Life is so fucking complicated, non?
cx

Peeking through the clouds...

So last night I finally got a bit of the attitude change that I have been craving. Maybe it was watching Desperately Seeking Susan (possibly my favourite film), maybe it was the bottle of wine I finished off (after previously only having had a glass from it...), maybe it was the fact I had sex yesterday morning (hah!) Well whatever it was, I feel a bit better which is the main thing. I have a lot to do today because I have been slacking so much but I wanted to just make a record of this feeling.
Lets hope the rain holds off...
cx

Stagnant.

Today I am pretty low. I have nothing important going on and it is making me lazy and resentful. There is no excitement.
I am bored.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I'm crying a lot at the moment. Its all being directed at the boy and this is bad. I need something from him that I know he doesn't give and won't give. I don't know what to do.

I'm really lost.
cx

Last night...

Caring about someone more than they care about you is heartbreaking.

For the record, you hurt me last night.
cx

Le garçon...

You annoy me so much. I just wish you could show me that you give a shit. I try and be casual about everything but its so fucking hard when I am constantly coming up against your brick wall. I thought it was because you didn't want me to get to close, maybe it is, but you have to let me know. I don't want to be traditional about things but at the same time, I don't want to be the one making the effort and being always out on a limb. Have some empathy please.
I'm so mixed up.
cx