Imminent Empire

Another fuck up in a long row.

2008-08-02T21:46:00.002+01:00

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Get it the fuck together. Then maybe you'll catch a break.

I can't go on like this for much longer.

whycan'tsomethingjustgorightplease?

I hate it.
cx

Ghostly...

2008-06-05T11:34:00.003+01:00

I always suprise myself by my actions, be that in a positive or negative way. I am nosy and I am lazy on the whole but sometimes the spurts of action are enough.
And sometimes I stumble across things that I did not necessarily want to know. But I can't stop myself looking because I want to know more and understand the code.

I am so unsure about whats going on... Am I a hazy apparition to you, a see through little secret or am I real, am I here and desired?
cx

There is DEFINATELY trouble ahead...

2008-05-26T00:24:00.003+01:00

My oh my, what a pickle. Seriously. I am in trouble and finding a solution that will work is going to be fucking hard. I need to starting telling cyber space about it again or I will implode. I'm not too good at talking to people about stuff - actually, I probably would be ok at it if I a) didn't pick the wrong people to attempt to talk too or b) wasn't too scared people would look down on me for the pickle I am in right now.
So you, the internet, shall be my outlet for now.

So I quit my job a while ago which was the right thing to do at the time but now I am settled in to unemployment and I fear my rut is deepening. I need money and I need it fast because I owe and I cannot pay. There are so many things that I wanted to do this summer but I did not plan it properly and it could all fall apart.

I need to make a plan and I must do it tomorrow. Please have your fingers crossed that I have the motivation (hah, I should definately have that because I am close to being royally fucked...) and the energy to make a dent in this fucked up mess.

Shit. Life is so fucking complicated, non?
cx

Peeking through the clouds...

2008-05-01T11:35:00.002+01:00

So last night I finally got a bit of the attitude change that I have been craving. Maybe it was watching Desperately Seeking Susan (possibly my favourite film), maybe it was the bottle of wine I finished off (after previously only having had a glass from it...), maybe it was the fact I had sex yesterday morning (hah!) Well whatever it was, I feel a bit better which is the main thing. I have a lot to do today because I have been slacking so much but I wanted to just make a record of this feeling.
Lets hope the rain holds off...
cx

Stagnant.

2008-04-28T14:55:00.002+01:00

Today I am pretty low. I have nothing important going on and it is making me lazy and resentful. There is no excitement.
I am bored.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I'm crying a lot at the moment. Its all being directed at the boy and this is bad. I need something from him that I know he doesn't give and won't give. I don't know what to do.

I'm really lost.
cx

Last night...

2008-04-15T11:08:00.002+01:00

Caring about someone more than they care about you is heartbreaking.

For the record, you hurt me last night.
cx

Le garçon...

2008-04-14T13:15:00.002+01:00

You annoy me so much. I just wish you could show me that you give a shit. I try and be casual about everything but its so fucking hard when I am constantly coming up against your brick wall. I thought it was because you didn't want me to get to close, maybe it is, but you have to let me know. I don't want to be traditional about things but at the same time, I don't want to be the one making the effort and being always out on a limb. Have some empathy please.
I'm so mixed up.
cx

GOOD

2008-04-12T14:11:00.002+01:00

Good Good Good.
Things are good. OK, so the cynical part of me is all too aware that things are likely to come crashing down around me swiftly BUT at the moment I am happy and excited.

So I have this job interview on Wednesday and I am mega nervous about it because I really want the job. Whats more R is interviewing too and if we BOTH get it it will pretty much be the best summer. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but I fear it is a bit late for that...

In other good news Bruv has bought me a GE ticket for my birthday which is massively ace. Sooo looking forward to that now!
AND I might get to go to L on a press ticket! How good is that?! VERY.

I need to start making some money this week though or I will be in trouble so fingers crossed for me about everything please?!
cx

00.25

2008-04-08T00:18:00.002+01:00

Have you noticed that I only seem to blog when I am not in a great mood? I guess it isn't really that suprising. This blog is a place where I can just admit and let it all out without the censoring that I would have if I was talking to another person. I quite like that no-one reads this but if you stumble across it please don't feel like you are intruding.
At the moment, stuff is ok. I miss him and I wish he was here because its been a week and I need a hug. But I'll see him in a few days so its not so bad. Because there is not much else going on I've been thinking about him loads. This needs to stop.
I'm not sure where I'm going next but I am trying to be hopeful. Things probably won't turn out how I hope but... Its a pain that I have no-one to share my desires for the year with but maybe I need to stop planning and just see what happens?

This week I MUST do one of the four books.
Time to start what I've been meaning to for so long.
cx

I saw this and thought of you

2008-04-04T16:38:00.001+01:00

Avalanche

2008-04-03T23:45:00.003+01:00

My friends are crumbling around me. Am I going to be strong enough to hold them up?

I can't believe that things are not going right for him. I completely believed he would get what he deserved. And yet he has not been made happy and it kills me inside. I don't want him to give up, more than anything I don't want that. I don't know how to help him through this. I don't know what the answers are but I need him to have hope. How am I meant to support him?

She, well everything seems to happen at once eh? I hope she is strong enough to pull through it. She is not in the best situation and this week so many things have piled up on top. I can hopefully take her mind off it but is that really the best thing? Its all I can do.

And me. Now I am scared. I was hoping he was going to be happy and able to help me through this. Now I am not so sure. I need someone on my side too. I am being reckless and crazy and foolish and its not something I am used to or am good at.

Please let them be ok. Please.
cx

Been spending most our lives...

2008-03-26T15:53:00.002Z

Its not what I thought it would be. The novelty has worn off and I'm not having fun anymore.
This was not a step up, it was a step sideways. Unnecessary.

What do I want to be?
I need a plan.
cx

Rough tide...

2008-02-23T19:05:00.002Z

I am so scared. Terrified. I know it is ridiculous and that this feeling will fade so I get annoyed about it which, unsuprisingly, makes me feel worse.
Can someone please fast forward me 2 months?
I can do it, I'm sure of it, but there is still so much unknown and I am unsettled.
ARGH.
I miss my comfort zone already.
There is NOTHING that can be done. I hate that.
fuck
fuck
fuck
sigh.
cx

Is there anything sadder than a deflated balloon?

2008-02-02T11:55:00.000Z

I'd been so good but old habits die hard.

I just opened the door to a delivery man holding a box of flowers. 'Can you take them for next door please?' he said. Sigh.
cx

If we can't set fire to anything...

2008-01-27T22:18:00.000Z

...then whats the point in being scared?

Life is going suprisingly well. Touch wood.
I'm being productive. Not artistically quite yet but I'm sorting other stuff so I feel relaxed enough to get over my block.
The boy is making me happy. Stuff has been good even though I haven't seen him for a while. Duno how long it will last, the smallest things can change everything. I have my fingers crossed.

Recently the mornings have been beautiful.
cx

Eagle Claw, Eagle Claw... Why?

2008-01-20T12:15:00.000Z

Hello. Happy Sunday.
Day offs are GOOD.

So I'm freaking out about my tax return in waves - one minute it is all under control, the next I panic that I owe thousands... I'm sure its all fine but I'm having to wait on it a little while so now is the perfect time to do other things right? Right.

I have been progressing through my lists in much more efficiently recently which can only be a positive thing but the important things are not quite done so no doubt the fear and procrastination will return. The job is the main one. I need to get this sorted and fast. Time to grow up.
I have been more of the person I want to be lately and I am so desperate for this to progress and continue. Things are not perfect, I'm sure they never can be but stuff has been good and I am dealing better.
Determination.

Thank you to the people that have been amazing these past few weeks. I hope you know who you are. Your motivation is such a help.

My room is never tidy. Ever. I try so hard and yet still... But life is too short.

I need to finish the film in my camera. And I need to make the CDs I've been meaning to for 6 months. And I need to focus on all the projects that have just been passing ideas and quantify them - I keep stumbling across past ideas on scraps of paper. I want them realised.
And most importantly, I want all this done by this evening so I can relax and watch Boosh...

cx

Quick Supper idea: Grilled Lettuce...

2008-01-08T19:12:00.000Z

Neither up nor down. Confused but clear. Afraid but actioning.

I have lots of things to say but never get round to saying them.

There's a big wall near my house that I want to write on...

cx

L to the A to the Z to the Y...

2007-11-19T22:27:00.000Z

I started this blog as an outlet and I don't seem to be using it that efficiently really. This is unfortunately not that suprising. I'm a bit rubbish really...

There are all these things that I want to talk about that I never get round to and then forget about and then they are over.
Must. Try. Harder.

I will do better.

ALSO: I think I need a new job. And fast.
Any ideas about a future career for yours truely? I need something that pays enough to live on and that I can fall in love with.
Your help is much appreciated.
cx

Back. Ready?

2007-10-23T21:38:00.000+01:00

And so I am back to reality as of tomorrow morning.
Back to the job I tolerate, back to the things I should have done a long time ago.
But today was a beautiful day and I am feeling positive. Yes.

BUT

How fucking scary is it that its nearly November? Where the hell has this year gone?

Anyway, I took some photos whilst I was away. Have a look if you want, or something?

Tunisia 07 by ~imminent-empire on deviant ART

There are a couple that are ok. Ish.
Meh.

Onwards and upwards...
cx

F.A.O. Anonymous...

2007-10-08T17:25:00.000+01:00

You're basically my favourite people ever right now.
Thank you. xx

In other news: I'm a bit poorly today. Like, proper poorly, not 'making myself think I'm poorly just so I can feel better about bunking off work' poorly. Not so great.
But I only have to hold out for another few days and then I'm jetting off.
Jealous? You should be.

Update: I never even got close to finishing the list. Damn it. Don't hold it against me...
cx

Not doing so great...

2007-10-02T12:47:00.000+01:00

This week is not going great. At all.
And I'm not sure any of it has been my fault or in my control.

There have been things that have been unfortunate, no one's fault, just one of those things, blah blah blah. They're still annoying, they have still gotten in the way and they have not helped. But you're not allowed to complain are you?
And then there have been other things.
Other people.
Thats whats upset me the most and its made me so angry.
Apparently I am forgettable.
Forgettable.
What fucking bollocks. Why am I being treated like a mug?
It hurts when you realise the truth.

What I need is something (or someone) else to occupy my time.
I just want someone who likes me and gives a shit.

Forget it. Onward and upward. Time to get out there and sort MYSELF.
cx

To Do or Not To Do...

2007-09-23T11:28:00.000+01:00

So, I have this list.
Its a pretty big list.
It encompasses things on many levels of life from the trivial to the vitally important.
It contains things I have put off and things I'm scared to face.
It also contains things that are fun and creative and exciting (or should be...)

The list is entitled 'To Do...'

And by this time next week I want to be looking at this list and seeing it comprised entirely of violent crossings out.
This would be no mean feat, let me tell you.
But I need some goals. I need some motivation. And by putting it here, it is real. Aim high and blah blah blah.

Its pretty frustrating that the creative stuff is taking just as much effort to get going on. Surely it should be instinctive, something I want to get going on. Maybe I just have creative block. More likely I'm just out of practice.... I've been telling myself that I can't start creating without a calm organized environment around me. 'Oh, when I get the flat sorted, I'll start working on the art...' Its bollocks really. I've never needed that.
I'm just scared. I'm so easily scared...

Next step: New job? Hmm...
cx

Um...

2007-09-15T10:33:00.000+01:00

...I don't know what this is yet.

I have aspirations (I think)
and crazy dreams (I know)
yet no idea what to do or where to go (I'm scared).

This is a blog about what comes into my head, what needs to be recorded, what I like to talk about, what I've seen and heard, what inspires me, what gets me down, what I need you to know and what I need to say.

It is nothing and everything.

Hello.